Thursday, March 06, 2008

Who is John Key? Part II: John Key is Barack Obama

Nominated by Chris Trotter and Peter Dunne

Barack Obama and Key both share English as a first language.

Both were born on a Pacific island, within four days of each other, so they could conceivably be twins.

Obama's middle name is "Hussein". John Key's middle name is "Putin"

Current opponent is a polarising female career politician with the initials "HC"

Obama has run on a message of change. John Key is a candidate of change.


Obama's election slogan is Hope. Action. Change.
John Key's slogan is I'm. Not. Helen Clark.

John Key is not a muslim.

Obama possesses oratory skills and charisma rarely seen in a modern political leader.
John Key has a classical tory lisp and the finest oratory skills since Don Brash.

Michelle Obama is a far more attractive "Dick Cheney" than Bill English.

Our verdict: No. if a comparision with an American Democratic canididate is really necessary, try John Kerry. "I was against the repeal of Section 59, before I voted for it, but when I'm charge I'm going to repeal it"

Monday, March 03, 2008

Who is John Key? Part 1

In the first of a possibly 300-part series, we examine the toughest question the media are asking of the National Party this year.
Just who is John Key?

As Key is seemingly absent of any discernible personality or policy, perhaps it would be more fun to use figures from popular culture to characterise this otherwise dull & uninspiring politician.

Don Brash's alternating characters of Mr Magoo & Montgomery Burns worked well for Labour three years ago and to win in 2008, an effective character needs be selected for Key.

Unfortunately the character Labour have created for Key thus far is "a vacuous rich-prick who is a incompetent fool and out of his depth and also a hollow man with a secret right-wing agenda to 'loot the state' for his rich anonymous donors."
This character is so contradictory and would really only be believable in the confines of a bad soap opera or US presidential politics.

National's 'positive' characterisation of Key as "Mr. Ambitious" however is just as ineffective, being two-dimensional and with only a little more depth than the real thing.