Monday, May 23, 2005

Now, Where was I?

The blog-peon stumbles in, dusty and disheveled
"So, uh, what did I miss?"

"Er, let's see, A mad cow hoax which gave the media foot in mouth disease, the mpaa closing down your favourite television torrent site, outrage at the ineptitude of the Auckland White pages, a Hide-Collins-Benson-Pope BDSM three-way, the death of a Ching, the still-birth of a budget and Alison Mau tripping out on Charge pills."

"Damn, I'd haved loved to have seen that! Ali Mau on drugs that is, not Judith Collins with a tennis ball stuck up her ass"

"It was good, journalistic credibilty evaporating faster than Darren McDonald smoking a point, the best part being when she was tripping out over Windows Media Player visualisations, still, she'll no doubt be up for one of the 654 Qantas Media awards next year"

"Did we win any awards?"

"Yes! We won the "Best green coloured opinion website that updates every 16 days" and "Friend of a valued sponsor" awards. If it wasn't for ONE Glennie that "Right Place at the Right Time" award would have been ours..."

"At least the death of 150,000 people wasn't in vain, it'll really do wonders for her career"

"Hopefully she'll ditch the specs, get some contact lenses and come back to NZ to do the weather instead of the fat wooden Maori guy. He's really really bad. Not quite Moon TV level bad but still pretty damn awful. I do have one piece of good news for you though, TVNZ are now showing Trailer Park Boys on Thursday nights"

"Fucken A"

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Doing it for the Kids

The positively redundant Ministry of Youth Development as part of 'Youth Week 2005' have issued a 'guide to youth language', and from looking at the list of terms this is clearly the language that any socially confused twelve year old would use. Ironically "Shattering negative stereotypes" is the theme of Youth Week, which I suppose must mean that NZ children talking like guttural street urchins is a positive stereotype.
Their guide doesnt even make sense anyway , the definitions are all wrong and lack the proper context, however, we have acquired the original version of the guide before it was all skuxed up by the Ministry.

PhraseMeaning
AightNew title replacing 'Minister' of Youth Affairs. Steve Maharey will now be referred to as "his Right Honorable Aightness of Youth Affairs" or alternatively "the Aight for the youff"
Bay, bro, cuzI am John Carter or Lindsay Perigo
Bling blingDon Brash's 'pet name' for Katherine Rich
BreakingThe final year of a junior coalition party's term in Government
ChurTo cheer for an opponent surreptiously e.g. "Muriel Newman is really churring for John Tamihere"
DeejayingTo spin bad press at such high speed that one ignores reality e.g. "Despite the drop in student allowance numbers Labour is working for students"
Diss’To urinate in a hotel corridor - e.g "I was so drunk I could barely stand, I had to diss up against the wall"
Dope, gravy, mint, wickedGreen Party Law and Order Policy
EmceeingMichael Cullen delivering a trite one-liner in parliament
Fo’ shizzle ma nizzleFormer Saddam-era Iraqi Minister found in New Zealand after having his name revealed by Winston Peters
Ginga, morangeLockwood Smith's original hair colour
HellaThe Prime Minister of New Zealand
Hook upTo fraternise with the media over a topical issue, usually initated by "hollering" to the press with a "shout-out" or "press release"
JokesEquivalent of “just kidding”. Often used to avoid taking responsibility - e.g. Monday - "I have full confidence in the Police and the 111 service" Tuesday - "Jokes!"
KewlContact Energy's new 'cleaner sounding' brandname for coal
Klingon, blenderAn outsider or parasite who does not belong to a certain social cluster and attempts to live off its' host without being noticed e.g. Jim Anderton
LatersPaul Holmes
MehExpression of indifference used by Labour Maori MPs in reaction to Foreshore and Seabed Legislation. e.g. "Why are you voting for a law that 80% of the people who voted for you oppose?" " umm, err, meh?"
Moked, ownedBeing forcibly removed from one's own party, e.g "ACT legally moked Donna Awatere-Huata" "JT nearly got owned"
PeepsGraham Capill's future cellmate
PhatThe new 'Butch'
Phat-phreeNZ First's token faux-Asian candidate
PlayerSomeone involved with many people and “playing the scene” e.g. Jonathan Hunt
SkuxTo perform poorly in a Ministerial role without actually performing at all e.g. "George Hawkins skuxed up again"
Trippin’An Investigate interview subject
True datThe next target in Jim Anderton's press-release based 'war on soft drugs and alcohol that tastes like ice cream'
WackTo use Trevor Mallard as a blunt weapon with intent to injure

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Time of the Season for Loving

Maybe it's the change of season that kills off the NZ pol-blog, perhaps something in the air that causes the realisation that it's all a pointless waste of time and that blogging is what holds you back from your career as a well-paid rich person.
Among the autumnal casualties, two blogs with excellent names - Freudian Slippers has dissapeared in a plume of 404 smoke, and GoNZo Freakpower Brains Trust has simultaneously burnt out and faded away. Matt Nippert of Fightingtalk however, said his goodbye in the most classy manner by slapping the NZ Political Blog Clique upside the head with metaphors, the best of them - blogs are 'water wings for playing in the shallow end of the media pool', after which he clicked his fingers three times, gyrated his hips, turned 180 degrees and strutted out the door screaming "I'm Matt Nippert, bitch!"
With the demise of many blogs, both of our readers may have been concerned with our own lack of posting lately, Manu, my former flatmate has moved to the metropolis of Wellington where the streets are paved with arts and crafts, everyone hates V8 Supercars and the working class drink coffee. I think he plans to keep up blogging, but who knows, I think he actually has a real job. Max should be in Australia by now, being in a entirely different country should give her the insight needed to provide informed comment on the New Zealand election. Myself, well, for ANZAC day I sat up all night smoking P with the National Front so I could be a patriotic New Zealander and attend the dawn service unlike some weak willed lily livered souls. I should post more often in the future, it's just the water wings hurt my arms when I doggy-paddle.
We at threepointturn will not go the way of the Nippert, not us, we are commited to occassionally posting random rants at random intervals about random subjects.
We are the 'new media'.
Unaccountable, unreliable, uninteresting and completely lacking in integrity.
It's the future, man.