Friday, August 12, 2005

Tale of the Tapeworm

It's official, the 'worm' sucks. Any device which favours the vague hypocritical middle-ground Peter Dunne occupies has to be fundamantally flawed, as such we have re-christened the 'worm' the 'retardometer' due to the effect it has on debate over actual issues.
Our uninformed leader by leader analysis follows.

Peter Dunne
The court decision forcing Dunne into the debate could end up being crucial to the future of United. Peter Dunne again benefited the most from the decision to include the retardometer in the debates. The media decides - based on a positive knee-jerk reaction from a small sample group that he 'connects' with the undecided voters, which in turn means more media coverage for the party and so it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Nevermind that all he says is meaningless bollocks.
"I want to see every child by the age of 10 to have basic literacy, numeracy and mind changing skills."
What the fuck is a mind changing skill?
Is it like a jedi mind trick? flip-flopping? something to do with Harry Potter?
4/5

Jeanette Fitzsimmons
The audience loved Fitzsimmons, and really how could you be mean towards her? She's just so fluffy and nice. The anti-Rodney Hide. Oddly, her success with the retardometer came with statements about actual policy rather than the meaningless platitudes. A Statement such as "Progress is more than just about making money" sets the Greens apart from the other parties and resonates with a considerable number of undecided voters, whether they come out to vote is another story. And extra points for not bringing up GE.
4/5

Helen Clark
A popular and competent performance, she didn't work any harder than she had to. It seems as if she was keeping a bit of ammo in reserve for the one on one debate with Brash. Gave the impression to voters that she knows more about National's own policies than Don Brash. Brash then proved it beyond doubt which drew potential heat from the minor parties away from her.
4/5

Winston Peters
Dubya had a bit of an off-night, slightly hungover perhaps? Still pisses all over Brash at playing opposition leader. Managed to land a few zingers on Hide and Brash but didn't really get to riff much on bashing immigrants and when he did the retardometer didn't give him much rub, though I suspect his appeal to the undecided television viewers would be stronger than the studio audience.
That alternate universe where Winston Peters is leading the National Party to a third successive victory must be quite a strange place.
3/5

Rodney Hide
He was just 'there', not overly offensive, none too interesting either. He did the best that could be expected of him and may have inspired some right-National voters to reconsider ACT as a viable option. The problem is he just doesn't seem to be able to connect with lower-income voters like Richard Prebble could. Rightly or wrongly, short angry white guy doesn't play well with the undecided voter.
3/5

Don Brash
For a debut performance by a first-term MP he wasn't too bad, pity that is nowhere near good enough for the leader of the main opposition party. Without the readily apparent leadership skills he needed to fall back on policy, unfortunately much of that hasn't been released yet, which leaves him up shit creek without a waka let alone a paddle. He seemed more concerned with giving watertight nuanced answers than delivering clear decisive statements of intent. If the National party campaign really is being "directed from Washington" it must the Democratic party doing it.
2/5

Tariana Turia
Biggest mistake was being a Maori woman concerned about Maori issues, the retardometer punished her for it, no matter what she said. Hurrah for racism.
1/5

Jim Anderton
Made me want to smoke P and hold-up the local Kiwibank. Court action needs to be taken to ban him from future debates.
0/5

3 comments:

llew said...

Hah! Cheers. Quite happy I taped Dr WHo now, while drinking too much wine with neighbours.

Craig Ranapia said...

Well, if my memory serves last time the worm turned two weeks out from E-day. Don't see how Dunne is going to keep the blandwaggon rolling this time, unless he's planning six weeks of rolling High Court actions against every media outlet in creation.

Also unlike 2002, he's got a bizarre and embarrasing caucus to deal with. If Labour and National aren't busy assembling a file of what makes up "common sense" on Pete's World they're missing out on a lot of fun.

Anonymous said...

The worst moment had to be when Brash said
"The Government has no business in farming"
What was he thinking??!?!